Stephen Colbert appears on the August cover of Esquire, in which he discusses the nation’s latest crisis: white men becoming “completely marginalized” as Barack Obama dominates the political landscape as “The Man.”

The hysterical host of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report says white men are a “rainbow of diversity–from beige to bone to ivory to taupe to eggshell,” and the “greatest victimization of all” is “being robbed of your ability to be a victim.”

“Barack Obama’s presidential campaign presents a historic opportunity, not just for one black men to become president,” Colbert says, “but for all white men to feel powerless. It’s our turn.”

Here are some highlights from the “Struggle of White Men in America,” according to the boxer-clad cover guy:

  • Calling John McCain the “Great Pale Hope,” Colbert says he’s their “ghostly white beacon.”
  • In reference to the White House: “A separate house for Whites?! What year is this? C’mon!”
  • “In the 1980s, white men were forced to wear effeminate pastel blazers [on Miami Vice] while black men got all the cool sweaters [on The Cosby Show].”
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“Oh, I’d castrate him, sure. I wouldn’t use no sharp knife like Jesse Jackson either. I’d take some garden tools to the brother down there and find out how black, or bi-racial, he really is.”

–The satire news service, Crystal Air Productions, fictionalizes what Sharpton would say “outside the Apollo theatre,” referencing Rev. Jesse Jackson’s infamous pledge to cut Barack Obama’s “nuts off.”

PHOTO: AP

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