As The CW’s America’s Next Top Model gets ready to cast diamonds-in-the-rough for Cycle 12, Blindie has a few things for producers to keep in mind. Basically, we still think this guilty pleasure can be saved from itself–and from the claws of Tyra–but only if they get rid of a few of the show’s formulaic tendencies.
Here’s 10 Things Blindie Hates About You, ANTM:
1. Tyra, STOP the dramatics. From your random accents on the panel to your unnatural sadness when kicking contestants off. If we have to hear you say, “I have two beautiful girls standing before me, but I only have one photograph in my hand. That photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model….” I think we will have to cut your tongue out!
2. ENOUGH already with the “Smile with Your Eyes” bit. We know how to do it–you’ve been schooling these girls on smiling with their eyes for 11 cycles now!
3. No more pretty girls with disabilities! From Cycle 1’s Amanda (retinitis pigmentosa) to Cycle 2’s Mercedes (Lupus) to Cycle 10’s Heather (Aspberger’s, a form of autism), we get it: Pretty people have problems too.
4. Stop calling Nigel Barker a “noted fashion photographer!
5. No more plus-sized models. Just develop a spinoff. We are tired of seeing Size 8s dubbed plus-sized because they are in a house full of Size 0s.
6. Tyra, please buy a new wig. We are tired of seeing wig glue framing the edge of your forehead.
7. Tyra, give Paulina Porizkova the boot. Frankly, Twiggy wasn’t any better, and once you let crazy Janice Dickinson go (because, let’s be honest, she upstaged you on every episode, and we all know that nobody puts Banks in the corner), it all went downhill from there. Just put Mr. Jay Manuel on the panel because his opinion actually matters to us!
8. Ms. Jay, stop with the symbolic elimination gimics. From the flowers on your lapel to the growth of your afro, we don’t want to see these girls’ disappointment reduced to your weekly antics.
9. No more airbrushing. You continue to tell people to “kiss your fat ass” on Daytime TV, but then during Primetime, you reduce it!
10. Stop casting black bitches. From Ebony & Eva to Bianca & Camille, Blindie’s tired of seeing black women edited as angry, finger-snapping, head-swaying divas with too much ‘tude.